“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.