I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.