I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

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Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet


roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right


Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell


Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order



Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?



Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.


Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.


If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.


[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]