I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Yup.
![]()
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.