Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*