[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
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Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster