feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I saw this ending much differently.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?