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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.