I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.