My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
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*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
…..pretty much.
you gotta be faster
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot