ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
You Might Also Like
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Who did it better?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.