A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
You Might Also Like
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.