My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
You Might Also Like
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??