Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
time machine? you mean a clock?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys