*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Fries, not lies.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.