*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Thursday Thought.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”