The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
You Might Also Like
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.