Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
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I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.