Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.