Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
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GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
translated into Canadian
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*