I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
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date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Wikigenius
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids