I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Note to self: always read the final line
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
The honesty is refreshing
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.