I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
HR said no more nunchucks.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.