I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
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OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I missed you with all my darts
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Education is vital
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.