Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
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ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
yea so i messed up lol
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?