Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
You Might Also Like
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.