Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell