Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
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I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”