When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
You Might Also Like
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
this article brought to you by lions
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.