Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what