*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack