just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes