Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I’m not wrong
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
*pronounces patio like ratio
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs