when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
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If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”