[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
twitter users today:
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.