Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
new wife guy just dropped
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”