(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
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Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.