My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
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Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*puts words between two asterisks*
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’