@TFriss

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

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@thedailymarker

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

@dance_blessed

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

@ColoradoUgly

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

@FredTaming

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

@paulrobalino

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.