I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.


“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou


There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.


inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them


Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae


Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.