I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry