I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same