I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Godspeed, John Glenn
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!