The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
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It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I didn’t come here to be called names
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
is this a warning or an offer?
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My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
It do be feeling this way.
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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
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DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”