The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
This probably isn’t good
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel