DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
that colleague who touches your screen
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Stick it to the man
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.