Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
You Might Also Like
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him