*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?