If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
is this meant to deter me
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.