The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.