My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
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Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.