i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
handsome & gretel
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
And now we wait
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Nice try, poison.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.