i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
he’s sick of your bullshit today
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They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’