Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point