Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.