Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
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How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over