Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist