I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
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How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.