so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Your secret is safeish with me
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target